Blog 42–The Verdict
Had to get this off to you, some people have been asking of me.
Right now I have this massive anger about life, not wearing my seatbelt, not caring.
But, I am getting back into National Park land in Mississippi, I like that.
Sorry there are no photos again, just want to get this out.March 16–Had to let you know right away what happened when I went before the judge yesterday.
After I had explained everything the judge still found me guilty of leaving the scene of an accident, had to pay $266.
I am so glad it is over, at least. I cannot sleep, again, it is about 1am. Sleep comes very difficult for me anymore.
Now it is 11:01 and I did not sleep last night.
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Each time I start a new blog I think of it as going on a new adventure and taking you with me. In fact, I look to make good things happen so that I can write about these experiences for you. Perhaps this writing can work for you? This writing can add to and bring more fulfillment in your life, I would love you read of your doings.Because of the pain caused by my recent fall and attempt to catch myself using my arm, which was too straight and hurt my ball and socket in my shoulder, I awoke at 1:30am last night and could not get back to sleep. I drove carefully, only about 70 miles, down to the beaches at Galveston. I’ve seen some great sites and hope my camera is working now to share them with you.
In driving south from Houston toward Galveston I hit traffic, much traffic. It is a Saturday and, perhaps, people are getting out of town? As you know, I do not like cities, one big city all the way down.
I went to some beaches and walked–lovely. Now I am in a Walmart parking lot using their free wifi to write to you. This one is quiet, and, because I am quite tired from no sleep last night, I believe I will just stay here for the night, although it is only 3:30 in the afternoon, I think I will go on some walks and such. Also, I have books to read, a pleasant time will be had by me in the van.
Found joy today. I took a ferry ride in the van (no, not a fairy ride.) My van on a boat, can you imagine? From Galveston to Port Bolivar, a free ride. I went up to the upper deck–the sun was shining bright, the wind was passing by as the ship moved forward, we even saw two dolphins pop up for some air–magnificent. Also, I spent some time at the beach, well, the gulf, anyway.
Yesterday I had a nice talk with Tina, boy I miss that women.
Everyday is a new and different adventure. Today I drove toward the east, saw some nice gulf settings. Now I am parked under a big bridge on the water where I will spend the night. New adventures, I love them.
March 6, 2016–Last night, as I wrote, I found a high bridge to park under in which to sleep, very comfortable, right next to the water. Then, today, another ferry to ride, no charge. I am enjoying this adventure I am on.
Was passing by a small library in Cameron, LA and decided to stop and see if they want to buy my books. She said they have a very small budget and did not have funds available. I was probably the only visitor at this library today. With most people having a computer nowadays, libraries and no longer necessary, really. I was at this library for three hours, no one came in. There were two people working at the time, too.
On the internet I searched freecampsites.net and found Rutherford Beach a few miles away. Also, my van gas was on empty, so off I went to get the elixir that keeps me going. After obtaining fuel, I set GPS to a location near where I would find that beach. I had to do some searching, but here I am on this deserted beach. As you know, people pay thousands of dollars to live on a beach–here I am!
Quite windy right now, hoping that will calm down. Having made a dinner of two scrumptious tacos and having a bottle of wine, I am quite content, There are grass fields everywhere, and the gulf, of course, looks fantastic. Clean sand with small waves rolling in, a paradise.
With the wind, it was making noise with straps on the bike rack. As you know, I accidentally ran over my other bike, keeping the bike rack for the next one. Anyway, I was comfortable reading and ready for bed, so, of course, I went outside the van to adjust the straps on the bike rack in only my underwear (under where?) Being on this deserted beach I had to. Felt good, too.
Currently reading The Journeys of Socrates by Dan Millman. I had read his books back in highschool, so good to bring back those fantastic memories of his stories. Such a good writer, you must get his books. Start with Journey of the Peaceful Warrior, then move on to The Journey of Socrates–You will love the read. I connected with Dan, the author of these books, and we did some correspondence, a wonderful man.
To get good used books for cheap go to abebooks.com, you will be surprised at the prices, probably just a couple bucks for each of these books.
So, I have time to spend before I have to back in Mobile for my court appointment, looking for parks and wilderness areas to go to, not much around.
Embarrassed to admit, a couple years ago I applied and started receiving EBT (food stamps.) At about $180 a month, that helped. But, I talked with someone from there today and she said that, because I am not living in Pennsylvania right now, the money for food will stop. Makes me sad, but . . . I do have a way to deal with it though, I will just stop eating, I am seldom hungry, after all.
I must also admit, what a fantastic adventure I am on. Living in the forests, living at beaches, living where I have to, making the most of life right now.
March 8–At 1:30am my bladder told me to get rid of some of the wine, so I did. Then my mind started thinking, I could not get back to sleep. As you might know, I do fine on little sleep, really. I’ve been reading and cleaning the van, it is now 3:30 early morn. I will wait for the sun to make its appearance, then I will be back on the road.
Good thing Google has the ability to write this while offline, as I am doing now.
How do you say, Atchafalaya? This river National Park is the largest swamp in the US. Many different kinds of birds and fish, they take good care of this park. Not having a boat with me, there was not much I could do. I did see some spectacular birds.
March 9–For some reason I have massive anger right now toward life. I want to yell, I want to cry, I want to hurt myself, I want to die. Looking toward the future and not seeing anything currently. A metal pin connection on the battery on my computer broke yesterday, so now I can only use the computer when it is plugged into electric. I’ve tried to contact Tina numerous ways today, I am hearing nothing back. I just hope she is alright and not in a hospital or something.
Kyle’s friend had a bike for me, how wonderful. This will serve me well.
Before I left Kyle’s I was about to walk up some wooden steps and slipped and fell and scraped my shin–badly. This brought the most pain I have had in quite a long time. And, the swelling, yikes, seemed to swell one inch out. I was going to drive myself to the hospital to make sure nothing was broken, but decided against it. The next day my shin was much better. But, it scared me.
Off to Mobile and my friend Lee Miller, who’s house I had stayed at before. Since the last time I was there and taught Lee to juggle with clubs, he bought some, they are small, junior type clubs, be something to learn with. Lee and his wife Claire have a wonderous love for each other, makes me jealous.
For some reason, for the last few days I have had tremendous anger, pain, and fear in me. Along with no sleep last night, this comes from the trouble of losing Tina and from this court date on Tuesday. I really don’t have fear of this judge and what might happen, actually hoping for execution, that would work well for me right now. Strange, I feel like my head’s about to explode. But, I will present my case that I am not guilty and am hoping the judge will understand and release me. You will find out.
Right now it is Sunday morning, March 13, I have March 15 at 4pm to simply sit and wait. There is a chance I might go to a National Park which is 110 miles away, but might just stay in the area.
Steve Harrison, I am glad you are there and often checking up on me. My mind seems to be slipping away in the pain I am going through, who knows what the future will hold for me.
Here I am at McDonalds typing these words for you. At this point I have no family or anyone close; I am glad you are there.
I must say, I am so sick of the accidents and loses I have had in my life. Not wanting to have you feel sorry for me, just to let you know more of my life. I think there are a few you may not have known about, I am embarrassed to tell you, but here are a few:
1982 — Hit by a truck while walking in a bad rainstorm, 37 day coma. Lost my juggling ability and much more.
1986 — Divorced from my first wife, Robin.
1988 — While living alone I was out riding my bike on trails. I took a bump wrong and fell. Broke my shoulder.
1990 — Was riding slowly on my bike and fell to the side, then hit my head. Have had tinnitus since (ringing in my ears.) Right now it is very loud, like when you listen to a seashell, but very loud in both ears.
2009 — Divorced from my second wife, Mary Ellen.
2010 — While riding my bike, hit by a truck, again, his fault, much of my body broken. Lost my ability to run because of a broken knee.
2011 — Had to spend a month in jail on a false charge.
2013 — While riding my bike with a bag hanging down from the handlebars, the bag got sucked into the front wheel spokes and the front wheel stopped, I continued forward over the handlebars to the street, landing on my head–fortunately had a helmet on. Two vertebra in my back and a shoulder were broken.
2016 — Tina left me (basically a divorce), much pain.
Within the last two weeks, fell to the side and tried to catch myself using my arm and because the arm was straight I injured my shoulder.
Within the last two weeks, slipped while walking up some wooden steps and scraped my shin, very bad. The leg is not getting better and now my foot is getting purple. The pain is not diminishing at all, a very strange injury.
Every accident and set back is a lesson (seems as though I am not learning my lesson?) and then I move forward. Yet, too much loss and damage, makes me want to just give up.With my left leg injured now, and I can’t sleep on my right side because of my brain injury, I am having a hard time sleeping.
I am not liking my life much right now, in any way.
March 14–Still spending time until my court date. Decided not to go to the forest, just staying in the area. This time just waiting is the hardest part. But now, I wish I would have gone to the wilderness.
Last night I spent by a lake, very nice, also very quiet. But, then the frogs started their mating calls–rebit, rebit (and no, I wasn’t attracted to the frogs because of their calls.) It was actually a nice sound to hear. As dusk came they quieted down. Then today I drove to a nice location on the gulf and was parked right at the water. I had crackers, feed one seagull, then about 35 showed up, yikes.
March 30, 201600Blog 41–Spending time in Texas
Yes, I have chosen this lifestyle on the road. Has it’s ups and downs, but mainly it is a good thing. Still in Texas, I’ve never seen as many pickup trucks in one area as here. I even saw a cop car that was a cop truck. They are everywhere.Still trying to get my camera to work right with my computer–photos coming soon.As my life is evolving I am seeing that a smaller, simpler life, living in the van, is saving me a ton of money, gives me more freedom, more flexibility and less to worry about. Normally, it seems, people want to get more and more and get that “bigger” house and lifestyle.In the 1950’s the most popular size for a coke was 8 ounce, now it is 20 ounce. Houses in the 50’s used to average 1000 square feet, not they average 2700 square feet (remember, I live in my van.) Don’t follow the common path, go smaller and your life will be better. Also, this “large lifestyle” is sucking the energy out of real life. Do like I did, downsize, you will love it.In the US, as people get bigger and bigger they acquire more and more debt, the personal storage industry is a 22 billion dollar industry. People buy and then they store–more and more–what a waste. We can get more and more debt in the form of mortgages and cheap credit with credit cards, which keeps us going, yet sinks us.Also, we use four times the energy than we used to. Along with that, so many of us use our “smart” phones, constantly. People seem to have to be connected–always. Seems that most everyone has one (I still have the old kind of phone that can only does calls and text, I do fine with that.)Yet, so many remain unhappy, this “stuff” does not bring joy. What I am trying to say is be really conscious of what you bring into your life. If you do this you can assemble high quality stuff, going for the best you can get, because, with less stuff, you can have better things.Always remember, we get much more out of life from experiences than we do from stuff.Less, done right, can truly equal more.Feb 15–As I was exiting the last campground I was at they had a shower, so I did. Feel nice and clean right now. Back I go to another city and another Walmart. Even with many locations closing down, the growth of this company is fanatical. Who does not shop for groceries at Walmart? Will they take over the world?After a few days in the city, I had to get back to wilderness, that pleases me. Back to Radcliff Lake campground in Davy Crockett National Forest. When I am in a forest, I feel like I am home. Not running away from the world, but joining the world and nature. Have to admit, I am enjoying a big bottle of wine right now, a raspberry blend, delightful.As you saw, in the last post I wrote about God, once again. I will limit my writing of the subject, in that many do hold onto this hope of God, my goal is no to insult you with atheistic views. I would assume that your faith is strong enough to carry you through some different views that you might read on your God. If this idea of God helps you in your life, that is a good thing.Just this one last thing though, from the book, Mere Christianity, which Steve Harrison bought for me. On page 164 is this: “When you come to knowing God, the initiative lies on His side. If He does not show Himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find Him,” So, what am I to do?
Currently I am wearing shorts and no shoes, very pleasant. Back where I lived for 25 years is cold and snowy, sorry guys.Feb 17-22–Through Facebook I heard from Terry Tidwell, who is married to Chris and is in Texas. In the past he has been a professional juggler/magician in various parts of the country. He saw that I was having a hard time and invited me down to stay with him and his wife in their spare room for a time. What a wonderful thing.Terry is dealing with many medical complications, one of which is cirrhosis of the liver, he is at stage 3 of a 4 stage illness, so he could kill him soon. At age 45, he tells me he has lived a wonderful life.I have been trying to encourage him to push ahead, which he does.Terry is dying, I am not, there is life left to live for me. Recently I had forgotten that and actually wanted death, my view has changed in that regard. We were able to encourage and motivate each other in our short time together.Feb 18–Just heard from my daughter, April, who sent a link to her latest blog. Have a read, she is quite the writer:Last night I made a Mexican dinner for us, turned out quite good. Terry has been a head chef through much of his life. He told me that he would hire me, no question, after he tasted what I had prepared. When I come to stay with you I will make some great meals, too.
My daughter, Jasmine, called me today. I love my daughters so very much.Feb 21–So many changes, so much loss; somehow I have developed this massive anger. I know I wrote before that I did not want to write these kinds of words, and mainly want to provide inspiration for your eyes, but I just can’t hold back my feelings, which would be like lying. Up and down I go, like most of us.Remember, you have to taste sour to enjoy the sweet (when does the sweet come though?)I drove all around trying to find a nice wilderness where I could spend the night. Had to get further and further from Austin. I found a campsite, would have been $15 to stay overnight, $25 with electric. This campsite was so organized, tidy and clean, seemed like a plastic campground to me–did not like.I asked and he told me there was a more rustic campsite about six miles away–I had to go. This was a free campsite right next to the lake. Hard to get to, but so glad I did. I was the only one there, and slept overnight right at the lake, how nice. In the morning I saw a rabbit and then saw a deer, so, well worth going there. Made me happy to be away in the woods.Feb 24–Last night I slept in Austin. As you know, I do not like cities, I had arrived two days early, going to see Peter Davison on Thursday night. So off I went today back to the woods. As I was driving out I stopped for a traffic light, there was guy asking for help money wise. Even though money is tight for me, I gave him a buck, as I often do for people in need.I ended up driving about 38 miles to a state park in the hills and wilderness which I stayed out. On the way out, so much traffic, so many people. Once again, I was the only one at this park, Turkey Bend Campground right near Balcones Canyonlands National Wildlife Refuge. This was right on the Colorado river, very nice.A sad thing, the first thing you have to do when I arrive at your campsite is clean up the previous people’s trash, especially because they use the fire ring for a trash can–idiots.After arrival, you know the routine, first to gather much firewood. Fortunately there was plenty of dead and dry wood available near by. As I am walking through the forest collecting wood, I feel right at home. This takes a lot of work, but good work, I love it. I even took my sweatshirt off because I got too warm.As I was gathering wood I reflected on the beauty of nature.Much nicer than any Walmart of McDonalds, I must say.Being the only one here, I felt free. Strange, to be able to pee anywhere at anytime brings on a strange freedom in my mind.There was a flying bug who landed on the table and was checking everything out, I watched for some time. I remember when I was a kid, like we all did, it was like a game to slap the bug dead. Now do not kill anything, disturbed that I would ever do such a thing.
So, I built a huge fire with the wood I had gathered. As I was taking care of it I was stepping over some logs and lost balance. I fell to the side and put my arm out to catch my fall.Since my brain injury in 1982 I have never been able to land right. Say I jump off of a four foot high wall, I often forget to bend my legs at the knees as I land and land straight legged (as they say, white men can’t jump.) So strange. I used to be able to jump and land quite well, having pole vaulted over 18 feet 6 inches, a school record. So, this is exactly what I did when I put my arm out to the side to catch me, the straight arm effect.After losing balance and falling to the side, then landing on with my arm straight to the ground, I knew that something was wrong. I just layed there for a time wondering what I should do. As I started to move I thought I had broken my shoulder; I got scared, as you know, I was the only one there. In my mind I figured I would type in GPS to find the nearest hospital.So, I started to move my fingers first, then wrist, still laying where I landed. As I tried to lift my arm and move the limb and I felt the joint pop back into the socket. That seemed to do it, I was somewhat better. The pain was much and I took three aspirin. Of course, woke with severe pain in my shoulder, but I was ok to drive out.Drove out this morning, mainly using my good arm, and here I am back at a McDonalds writing to you.A couple days ago I heard from Gianna, who put together my fabulous website for me. She is sent the blog I write and she wrote:“Kit, don’t forget—You’re on the Hero’s Journey!”
Those were good words to read. I often forget that I am not on this journey alone, I am taking you along with me–thanks for being there.In fact, I would love to hear from you, also, please write to me.Feb 27–Arrival in Austin for the juggling festival. Peter Davison (poetofmotion.com) and I took a long walk around Austin, a very nice city (as far as cities go.) We sat on a bench at the Colorado river and talked for a time, a good friend in Peter. He has a room at The Austin Motel and allowed me to use the second bed for two nights. We had a good time in Austin.Feb 28–Happy birthday to me . . . The juggling festival was superb. There was a show on Saturday night that was one of the best juggling shows I have witnessed. Somewhere between 200 and 300 people at the festival, it made for a great time for everyone. I sold some books, ran two workshops and walked around helping jugglers. So happy I was there.To my surprise there was a group of about ten jugglers who sang that birthday song for me, how nice, and I thought no one knew.The streets are set up quite well here in Austin. Most streets in other cities that have parking on the street in angled spaces along each side have it so you pull in forward and then have to back out into traffic when you want to leave. In Austin each space is set up so they are angled so every car backs in, then, when they want to leave they just pull forward into traffic, ingenious. Normally I like to back into spaces, so you are facing the way you will be driving when you leave.Feb 29–Yesterday, through email and Facebook, I heard from over 100 people wishing me a happy birthday. Thank you, I am glad you are there.At the juggling festival I met Martin Hill, https://www.facebook.com/martinthill, who performs each year at the Texas Renaissance Fair, http://www.texrenfest. com/. We drove through the empty fair and I can see how it would be excellent. I contacted the Manager and suggested I sell my salsa (summerssalsa.com) at the next fair, waiting to hear back. The land where Martin owns is phenomenal. Trees and land, I suggested he build some tiny houses and rent them out during the fair; he could make a lot of money. He loves the idea, I would love to return to help him build and run these.Next on to Houston to see more jugglers.Their juggling club meets on Thursday night, I will be there.March 3-5–Staying in my van (because of their cats, I’m allergic) at home of Jim and Julie Mackenzie — https://www.facebook.com/JimsShow/timeline Last night, Thursday, we went to the juggling get together meeting of the Houston jugglers. About 15 jugglers were there and I did my 3 club juggling trick workshop. Jugglers picked up many ideas for tricks and advancement, they told me so. A very nice evening.Back on the road tomorrow, I miss the wilderness.Everytime I get back on the road I have fear of new things, and also excitement.On to — Galveston, oh Galveston (you know the words.)March 5, 2016Blog 40–Finding relief
Please pardon my panic in the last post. For a couple days my mind was lost in negative thought and I did not seem to have control. I learned much from that on where our mind can take us.
I basically feel that I had an imbalance in my thinking. I’m seeing that as we grow in life we have many problems and pain. As I go on, I am learning and making less obvious mistakes, as we all should learn to do.
After each pain and change in my life, if I learn from it, I become stronger to face the next. Part of me died in that recent depression and pain. Yet, I have taken what I could from that to use the knowledge to help me in the future.
When I was young I thought that life might unfold in an orderly structured way. My expectations and hopes were in order. Now I am seeing that life is like a waterfall–always changing, always flowing, unending.
I see that our path in life is like this, we must learn to flow with the changes. The future is a mystery, the past is a lesson, we must live for NOW, always.
Feb 11–Traveled into the Dallas/Fort Worth area. You know how I can’t stand cities, this one never ends and I cannot get away from it. I drove north, where I saw a couple lakes and thought could find somewhere to park near a lake. After much searching–nothing. I ended up at yet another Walmart, that has free wifi, so I did.
When I go to these places I always find somewhere to park away from traffic and noise. I have covers for all the windows so that no light can come in or go out–pitch black. So, once I am inside with everything closed up and the lights on, I cannot tell where I might be, a park, in a mansion bedroom, or a yucky Walmart.
I do eat healthy. About 25 years ago I started a healthy habit, at about 4pm everyday I eat a good salad, which I still do. Look for organic, when there is. In the van I keep enough food for one to two weeks.
You know I go to McDonalds often for their free wifi, I do not eat the food (please don’t tell them.) For breakfast today it was organic chips and salsa. I do need to start to exercise more.
As far as cleaning myself, I have a deep plastic bowl which I fill with water. I cover all the windows, remove my clothes, and wash my entire body with soap and a washcloth, then rinse the same way. Then I dip my head into the bowl and wash my hair. The process gets me as clean as spending time under any shower.
Also, perhaps you know, most every Walmart has a “family-disabled” bathroom. This is a large bathroom for a single person.. I perform the same cleaning in there. Who needs a shower, that is such a waste of extra water.
Now to the yucky/personal stuff (should I even be telling you this? perhaps you can use the ideas in the future?) To pee I keep a one quart plastic container with a lid that had milk in it. At times I use this even while I am driving. Comes in handy, guys, you may want to get yourself a container to keep in your car. Sorry ladies, don’t think it would work for you. I think I wrote about this previously, a reminder.
We all do it at least once a day, yet it is kept this deep dark secret. When I have to go numeral dos (that’s Spanish for–“numeral dos”), when I am in an area where people can see in, I cover the windows. I place two sheets of newspaper onto the table side of my setup in the van, I spread my cheeks and take care of business (sorry you had to read that.) After wiping with a napkin (thanks for the napkins, McDonalds), I fold everything up and then place it in a trash receptacle. I can’t believe I just wrote that, that’s embarrassing.
No, I guess it’s just life.
After my last (sad) post some of you wrote back about me clinging onto God to get me through. This still makes no sense to me, and here is why:
This God, according to the ONLY source about God, the bible, says there is only one unforgivable thing you can do, that would be a non-belief, such as I have. This also goes with the Qu’ran.
I’ve used something like this parable before. A man kidnaps 3 tennagers and takes them to the forest. He then rapes each one and beats them, finally killing each one. He eventually finds God and becomes a believer. ALL his sins have been forgiven (according to the bible) and now he is free in heaven.
So, he will spend eternity in Heaven with God, while these 3 inocent young girls will spend eternity in hell because they do not believe–just like I will.
Now, do we deserve that?
This idea of a God just does not sit well with me. I’ve tried hard to wrap my mind around the idea of some God here with us–but nothing. I am just asking you to define in your mind what you truly believe, why you can justify belief and why I should also.
Here is what I think:- The only reason I go to hell is because of non-belief?
- And, people want me to worship said God?
- I think not.
And, seems the ten commandments are important to believers.Let’s break that down:
The first 3 do not relate to life at all, only to this jealous and angry God.Number 4 no one follows, it is just kind of a joke.5 is important and good (and very obvious.)6, 7 and 8 are obvious and followed by all cultures-without the bible.Number 9 is mind control.10 says not to want to use other people’s stuff, which is alright.
The three “Kit Commandments”:- Do no harm.
- Find much happiness and joy in life.
- Help as many other people as you can along the way.
I believe if everyone followed Kit’s Commandments the world would be a better place.
Feb 12–Too much traffic, too many people, all the main roads are being worked on–I had to get away. North I ventured, found a neighborhood park where I parked for the night. Even a little park is nicer for me than a city.
Feb 14 and 15–Happy Valentine’s Day. Currently I have no Valentine, will you be my Valentine?
Yikes, an awful day. Once again, awake all night, super tired now.
The day started off nice, I was on my way back mentally. I’ve been reading Dan Millman’s books, enjoying much. I read them many years ago, life changing they are. Pick up his book, The Peaceful Warrior, such a good read.
Currently, I am need of life change.
I found a lovely lake, all by myself at the lake. I had to repaint my window covers, so I did; I will tell you more about them later. After painting, I went for a walk/run around the lake, read, and made a salad.Here is the bad that happened:
After my time at the lake I went on to a nice campground and, after awhile I saw the van was not completely level, So I moved it. As I was backing up and heard the crunch.
I yelled–NO!!!
I had forgotten that I had the bike and unicycle off the van on the ground. Anyway, there was no hope, so I left them at the site hoping someone can use the parts.
I hardly used the bike or unicycle, so they really won’t be missed. But, I stayed up all night, could not sleep, yelling and crying and being upset. I still do not know how to get myself asleep, any suggestions?
With my tiredness, being extra careful driving.
I did not use the bike or unicycle much, so they won’t be missed, but I just feel like an idiot, or am I simply stupid?
Then, in the evening, I went to put up some of the window covers to block the moonlight–they were not there! I thought back and never picked them up after painting them at that lake. I could never had been able to go back and find that lake, so I didn’t.
Too many mistakes, I can’t take much more.
Could I have been the one somehow who made two the accidents in which I was hit by a truck, which ruined my life and continues to.
Ernest Hemingway committed suicide, He’s a writer, I’m a writer–“hum”. No, it is on my mind, but will not occur. Suicide is very selfish and the lazy person’s way out.
I stay alive for my daughters, but, who knows if or when I will ever see them in person again? They are off in the world doing what they do, currently April is in Peru and Jasmine will be be in NYC soon working for Macys.
I guess I have to stay around, who else would write this blog?
My self-esteem and hope are at the lowest they have ever been. I just need to get these words off to you and not sure what will come next.
I have photos, but do not know how to get them to my laptop, I’ve tried and it has worked before. For you, I must learn.
I’ve already picked up more material to make replacement window covers, so off I go to do that.February 18, 2016- The only reason I go to hell is because of non-belief?
Blog 39–Agony
I had mainly wanted this blog to be inspiring, to help you in your life. But, recently, I have been going through some turmoil that has deeply affected me.Feb 3–At 2am last night, as the gentle rain started dropping on my van roof, I awakened. Being more comfortable in the van, that is where I sleep better, although not with rain coming down. So, books to read, I had about ten to peruse.Sleep is such a strange thing. Science says we need sleep, but it is so hard to come by for me. As I am trying to go under, I never know what to tell my mind. I try and relax, but I think too much and it keeps me awake. Then, I briefly wake at, say, 2am, and my mind starts thinking of things I could be doing and I do.As you read in my last post, I somehow lost my glasses somewhere at the last house I stayed at. I am quite conscious of my spectacles, so I am surprised. Went to a Walmart who takes my insurance, they would be ready in 7 to 10 days, too long. At another eyeglass place they will be ready in four hours, how about that. So I got new ones and can now see.I’ve been in Mobile for too long. As you know, I like nature, wilderness and the out-of-doors much better than any city. I have to back in Mobile, AL on March 15 for my next court appearance, so I plan to go to Texas and travel around the state for a time.Having this court appearance has been at the top of my mind, though, bringing pain to my thoughts. Here is what happened and what I will tell the judge:“When the accident happened the weather was rainy, the road was very narrow and windy, and there were walls on each side of the road. After the accident there was no where to pull over, so I kept going forward. I made some turns to get back to the accident location, but, because my mind was reeling with what had occurred, I made some wrong turns and got lost; I depend on GPS much. When the officers found me one of them said to me, “You go back to where the accident happened and we will follow you.” I told him, “I have no idea how to get back”, so one of them lead the way. Once back, my main objective was to apologize to Lynn Carrroll and make sure she was alright. So, it was not hit and run, it was hit and got lost.”
I do hope the judge will understand.Tonight was spent back in Big Biluxi Campground in DeSoto National Forest. I know this place and am comfortable here, so I fit right in. The guy next to me has a bigger trailer and stays here all winter, at $100 a week. You can hook up to water and electric, so it seems worth it.I was back in New Orleans with Kyle, a great guy. I had forgotten to say in my last post, he was the one who suggested getting a plugin heater to use in national parks, which I did.I was back in town at Mardi Gra time, which I did not really have interest in, so I departed. Mardi Gra is about parades and parties, things I don’t really care about.Even Kyle and his wife, Peggy, get out of town for a couple days as Marti Gra comes to a head, to avoid the crowds.In leaving New Orleans, I have no idea where I will go. As you know, on March 15 I have my court date and will have to return to Mobile, AL. I am thinking of spending some time in Texas.With gas being under $2 now, it is affordable.As I was driving at about 5pm, I pulled off and found a place to park for the night next to a small pond, very nice. I like to find somewhere to stay the night by about 5 pm, giving me time to work on projects, read, and have dinner.Feb 6–Currently feel like I am wasting my life. This court thing is holding me back from going forward, I will be so pleased when it is concluded. Hoping I will not be put in the slammer, have to pay a bunch of money, or be executed (well, dying might be interesting.)Once I get through this winter cold life will be better.The van is still running wonderful. You may remember, after GPS took me off-road on that terrible dirt road my check engine light came on. Well, a couple days ago the check engine light went off, all by itself. But now just the “Wear seat belt” light comes on often (I guess I should wear it, oh well.)Suddenly so happy–back in the wilderness–where I belong. At Fullerton Lake Campground in Kisatchie National Forest, good to be away from people, that is just how my mind likes it, I am finding (although I love being with you.) In fact, on this Sunday night I am the only one at this large campground.I love camping, the whole experience. Oh, you’ve never gone camping? Shame on you, a delightful experience. Here are some initial things you should do once you find a campsite:- Park your vehicle level if you will sleeping in your rig. Or, find level ground where to put your tent and set it up.
- Walk around the forest and look for dead and dry wood to use for your fire, gather much. Fresh stuff won’t burn, let it grow.
- At 4:33, start your fire–balls of bunched up newspaper first, then small kindling on top. Add bigger and bigger stuff as your fire grows. Make sure your fire can get plenty of air. (It always amazes me that a huge pile of wood can be reduced to a small pile of embers, where does it go?)
- At 5:11 start cooking dinner. Usually meals somehow taste better when you cook while camping.
- Make sure you keep everything tidy and organized the whole time, things will go easier. (But, that applies to your whole life, you knew that, though.)
I was the only one on this Sunday night at this large campground, loved it.As I was passing from Louisiana to Texas, not much change. More forest came into view, a view that I desire. Why, look at that, a ranger station office. I pulled in and got a map with local campgrounds in the forest. And–away I went.Indian Mounds campground in Sabine National Forest looked appealing, so I peeled out for that one. At $2 a night, sounded fair to me.Nice lake, I found a prime spot next to the water. Not hard to find my own spot, being the only one there. The water shimmered as I looked out across the lake.One of the main things I like about being in the forest is the fresh air available for my lungs. Savoring the smells, my mind became very relaxed.Yet, the cold winds picked up and it was no longer comfortable to be out of the van, so in I went. Reading and typing now, away from the uncomfortable weather. As the winds calmed down, out I went again into the out-of-doors to a nice cool breeze.Feb 10–Last night I could not find the local campground, so I pulled off the road on a small road.Had a terrible day yesterday, as well as last night.In fact, I did a search on the best way to suicide, sorry to tell you this. The, last night my mind would not click off, I was awake all night. I tried to read some, but negative scary thoughts flowed through my brain. Tears came out some, too.Like you, I have had many life experiences, and we will continue too. It is how we see our life changes and use that knowledge for our future that brings advancement or pain. Right now I am holding onto the pain.Feb 11–What has my life come to? From one McDonalds for the wifi, to the forest, to yet another Walmart (who also has free wifi), yuck.Last night I did not sleep–again. My mind can’t click off. So hard to just lay there and think those negative thoughts. What is this non-sleep doing to my mind or my body?All night, off and on, I was crying in pain, then hurting with strong anger, then yelling (I don’t think anyone heard me.)A few times I yelled out, “I hate my fucking life.”Too many mistakesToo many accidentsToo many loses.Even my website is not working, and no one knows why.This lose is a big one.Now I am not seeing any kind of a pleasant future.I distinctly remember in the past telling myself, “I love life, I don’t see how anyone could not.” Now I am that person, not caring if I live or die.Have no idea what it will take to get me back, or if I want to get back. And, back to what?But, last night I did talk with my daughter, April, through Facebook video chat. How wonderful that April is doing so well, now that makes me happy.February 18, 2016Blog 38–Court
Another long post. I start and words just come in my mind to tell you about, so here you go.Feb 2–Today in court I pleaded not guilty, so the judge is making me return on March 15 for a continuance.
I hate this whole situation.
In my next post I will give you details of everything. So, I have a month and a half to spend. I am thinking I will go to Texas and some of the national parks there.
Shall I stop by and see you”
January 26–At a McDonald’s now using their free wifi. I just looked out the window and saw a guy drop trash on the ground, so I knocked on the window and gave him a very stern look (and, you wouldn’t believe how stern my look can be–it would scare you), he brought the rubbish to a trash can.
What do people think sometimes? seems like there are so many people in this world who do not know how to think.
When I know I will be passing by a trash can I inevitably look for litter on the ground and place it in the receptacle as I am passing by. I believe if everyone did such a thing it would be a more pleasant world. Just imagine what these people’s homes could look like on the inside, yikes. Once you get in their cave it could be scary.
I’ve heard stories of people who go to live in a cave or in the mountains for six months or more. This seems appealing to me. Solitude seems to be my desire, my aim to be alone the greater part of my life brings a comfort.
Seems that many people spend their time and energy trying to acquire new luxuries and “things”, even though that seldom leads to personal happiness.
I write of my travels as a way, I am hoping, to add to and enlarge your life, somehow. Sad and dire recently, but I am climbing out of that hole I dug myself into. And, as the winter cold fades away, the words will be better and better.
Currently I am reading some of the writings of Henry David Thoreau. The benefits of his writings were not really recognized until about 100 years after his death (I wonder if he used a MAC to write with or IBM?)
Boy, that means if I were to die now I might be discovered as a writer sooner? Not comparing myself to Thoreau, but some others have compared and like the collections of words I script. But, digging my grave too soon? I wonder . . .
In staying in life, to be out in the wilderness by myself brings me joy (although I miss you.)
In our life we are mainly alone, we have to learn to live with that and move forward. Others are here to help, but we have to be the one at the wheel of our ship. Live deliberately, aim to learn and teach all your life. Connect with nature–smell a flower, climb a tree, eat some grass, kiss a grasshopper.
Learn to be by yourself. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Along with solitude, it is important to me to have a close communion with nature. People seem to get lost in cities and loss site of what is really important–nature and the earth. So, my aim in the woods is looking at what the meaning of life is. Simplify life and you have more.
Jan 27–Last night was another disastrous event in my life–yikes–too many of them!
I arrived at Big Biloxi Campground in Desoto National Park. I found a campsite that looked inviting, so I took up the invitation. As I was backing into the site the back wheels sank into the soft ground and I tried to go forward again, then back. I sank in deeper and deeper. It ended up that my back wheels were sunk in almost up to the axle (sorry I forgot to get a photo for you.)
I was sideways on the main dirt road through the campsite and on a turn, it was getting dark, and rain was on the way. If someone came quickly and did not see me right away they would just plow through my van. And, if I was in the van, bye bye Kit? Fortunately, not many were out tonight.
Quite a predicament, yes?
In my life I have learned that, when something goes wrong or is going wrong, I do not panic. Right away my mind goes into the solution mode, thinking of ways to fix the situation..
Of course, right away my mind thought, “what to do, what to do?” I saw there were only a couple other people staying here. I walked about 200 meters to a trailer with a truck. After talking with Dave, who had chains, and we drove over to examine the situation. He thought I was too stuck and did not want to harm my van with any chains or pulling, so he did not help.
Another truck drove up and I went up and talked with him. A very nice man named Joe, he was at the park to walk his dog. He wanted so much to help with his truck, but had no chains. He did have a strap and we tried with that, but no go.
The people who saw what had happened could not believe the management of the park left this how is was. I do hope something will be done now so that it does not happen to someone else.
I called AAA and eventually they got someone out here. As I was awaiting him I had a big salad, might as well, had the time. When he got there Jimmy hooked up a toe line to the van frame underneath and pulled me quickly out–YEAAAH!
A few days later I remembered that I had purchased my tires from Pep Boys, and they had a lifetime wheel balance and rotation. So I did, just to make sure the wheel system was up to par.
Before I went I went to a car-wash and cleaned how I could underneath. They still had to clean each wheel before checking the balance. All this worked out for free, a good thing.
Never did have the wheel alignment checked on the van, so I did. It needed a minor alignment, $84 bucks later and I was on the road and happy, and, they did spend a good four hours working on the van.
Jan 27–Spent the day reading and being in the van. I am glad I have a heater, cold out there. As dinner time came it was chicken tacos–yummy. I am using some of the cilantro that I grow in the van with the meal, feel good about that.
The campsite has a water outlet and electrical hookup, so I did. I have an extension cord and small plugin heater that keeps me quite comfy. And, I can power my computer to write to you, so, here I am. No wifi, of course, so you will get this later.
Then I did a dumb thing. On the computer I run a screensaver running that shows all the photos in my collection. Of course, included are shots of Tina and our travels together.
I got sad.
My computer cannot connect because there is no wifi, but my little phone (not a smart phone) can send text, so I did. I let Tina know my thoughts about the joy we had together. She, basically, let me know that that can and will never happen again, in no uncertain words.
What I am finding so hard is she never really had a reason for leaving me, Tina just brought up our differences of faith and religion. I believe these can be put in the background, so, that is why it is so hard for me.
I don’t know why I’ve held onto hope, I just have. I allowed this to destroy me last night, tears flowing. And, remember, in the beginning of this collection of words I had written about learning to be alone with yourself and staying happy.
Once again, I must follow my own advice.
I’ve had much anger toward Tina for leaving me in the dust, but I also have a strong love for this women. The two seem to cancel each other out. So, I guess, we remain friends?
Dave Finnigan and Mark Karaman, after my last sad email, you wrote back and sent clips of the book I had attached, “Your Brain”, in the last post of my blog words. Thank you for that, guys. My own words coming back to bite me. Once again, I need to follow my own advice.
Steve Harrison, thank you again for the books. I just finished reading “The Case for Christ” by Lee Strobel. This book is quite well written, but it did not pull me into belief.
Strobel writes as a lawyer thinks; well organized. He brought the case to us as factual evidence for Jesus and God, but, this was all taken from the bible, which I question as an authority of life.
I’ve still been studying the bible trying to find words that relate to life and my life in a way that is fulfilling, I still cannot. Why would this god bring on these terrible things in people’s lives, in my life.
Seems that people don’t read the bible in a critical way, just reading “the good parts.” or rephrasing words to match what they are looking for. This book is full of evil, take it apart and read in intently, you will see.
If you believe in God, which God do you truly believe in? Often the Abrahamic God, but what about all the other Gods? what if the true god is Allah. If you truly believe, you really need to verify your beliefs by studying ALL religions.In most every biblical story I’ve read, once dissected, it shows just how apparently inept this God really is. How can a God who is capable of bringing this universe into existence keep making mistake after mistake and more death and destruction?
Flooding the world that he built and killing whole cities of people and animals. A child could pick out the errors, inconsistency and immorality of this ‘god’ fairly easily, which only speaks to the awesome power of indoctrination.
You are an atheist toward all the other gods, I just take it one more and don’t believe in your god. Why does this god not open my mind in a way to understand he (or she) is there. If there is a god, that would be an evil thing to do, keeping me from knowing.
I don’t want to insult anyone with my thoughts of god, please understand.
Actually went out bicycling today, hadn’t for awhile. I’ve just had so much change and loss in my life, in the back of my mind I was wondering if I also lost the skill to ride a bike. Went alright after all. Surprise, surprise,
I jumped on the unicycle and that went alright, as well.
Just talked with my daughter Jasmine, who is in Kent, Ohio, in her last year of college. She is doing quite well, a job is already lined up at Macys in NYC designing clothes for the year after she graduates.
When I was a youngster I really liked the name “Sweetie” for some reason. I decided, at a young age (10 or 11), that I would use that name for someone quite important to me–such as a girlfriend or a wife. I saved and used the name for Jasmine–my Sweetie.
As far as my second daughter, April, I have a name for her, too. When she was quite young I started using encouraging words with her. When she accomplished something or did something good I would say, “April does”, or “April do”. Eventually this morphed into April Du, which I call her to this day.
The next morning I awoke at 2am, then the negative thoughts started in my brain. That’s one trouble with being alone, sometimes you bring on bad thoughts and keep getting deeper and deeper into it. Of course, I could not return to sleep.
Deep sleep seems to evade me, don’t know what it could be doing to my brain in the long term, or, perhaps, it already has and that’s the reason I am like I am (or, am I?)
Drove to some local sites in the National Park and looked around, not much to see.
Jan 30–Came back to Big Biloxi Campsite to stay again. I will take wilderness over a city any day.
Jan 31–Through CouchSurfing.com I discovered Lee Miller, living in Mobile, Alabama. Staying with him for the night–a joy–what a great guy. I had all the fixings so we had tacos for dinner, along with Pam, who also travels and was spending the night.
Pam has lived and traveled in vehicles and staying with people, she says, for twenty years now; I like that. She is 65 and living the life that she wants.
Lee can juggle, but has never juggled clubs. So, I brought mine out and in just a short time he was.
Actually I slept out in my van last night, instead of Lee’s son’s bunk-bed (did I use ‘s correctly?) The van is very comfortable for me, as you would guess. I will be showering in the morn in the house. Wearing loose and comfortable garb to sleep in, in my warm sleepy bag with blankets on top, I became quite warm, almost too hot.
I’ve looked into how the human body heats itself. From what I can tell it is from each cell breaking down sugars and that produces heat. If you know anything more, please let me know. 96 seems quite warm to me, yes?
We had all gone for sleepies early, between 8 and 9pm. I awoke at midnight, wide awake. So, I read for awhile and eventually drifted off.
I awoke again at 4am from a dream (nightmare?) In the dream Tina and I were out having a wonderful time, like the old days. But, then I remembered I lived in a van and could not go home with her, like we did in the past.
A sad remembrance.
Now I have two nights and a full Monday to just wait, until the court appearance on Tue at 4pm.
It’s strange, I almost am feeling like I am an observer, rather than a participant, in this thing we call life. Looking at my life from the outside, the only life I know, of course, seeing that I have taken a very strange path for most of the life I have lived.
Feb 2–I arrived at the home of Adam Bilinski, also through CouchSurfing, where I will be tonight. At these places I go to I usually end up sleeping in my van, but use their shower and internet while there.
Adam is from Poland and has come to teach, a great thing.
Right now I am writing this at the courthouse, where I arrived two hours early. I wanted to make sure I found the place ok and have concerns. You will find out later how it goes (and, I guess I will, too.)
Before I left Adam’s house I looked for my glasses, could not find anywhere. Searched the house and the van, twice, too. They must be in the house somewhere, I had them on in the house. I am usually quite careful with my spectacles, so I am surprised.
Fortunately I had one contact lens, so that was inserted, I can see alright.
Once again, too many struggles, life has not been fun, in any way. I have so many fabulous memories of times past, but one of those good times has not occurred in quite a while.February 2, 2016
