Blog 40–Finding relief

​Please pardon my panic in the last post. ​For a couple days my mind was lost in negative thought and I did not seem to have control. I learned much from that on where our mind can take us.

I basically feel that I had an imbalance in my thinking. I’m seeing that as we grow in life we have many problems and pain. As I go on, I am learning and making less obvious mistakes, as we all should learn to do.

After each pain and change in my life, if I learn from it, I become stronger to face the next. Part of me died in that recent depression and pain. Yet, I have taken what I could from that to use the knowledge to help me in the future.

When I was young I thought that life might unfold in an orderly structured way. My expectations and hopes were in order. Now I am seeing that life is like a waterfall–always changing, always flowing, unending.

I see that our path in life is like this, we must learn to flow with the changes. The future is a mystery, the past is a lesson, we must live for NOW, always.

Feb 11–Traveled into the Dallas/Fort Worth area. You know how I can’t stand cities, this one never ends and I cannot get away from it. I drove north, where I saw a couple lakes and thought could find somewhere to park near a lake. After much searching–nothing. I ended up at yet another Walmart, that has free wifi, so I did.

When I go to these places I always find somewhere to park away from traffic and noise. I have covers for all the windows so that no light can come in or go out–pitch black. So, once I am inside with everything closed up and the lights on, I cannot tell where I might be, a park, in a mansion bedroom, or a yucky Walmart.

I do eat healthy. About 25 years ago I started a healthy habit, at about 4pm everyday I eat a good salad, which I still do. Look for organic, when there is. In the van I keep enough food for one to two weeks.

You know I go to McDonalds often for their free wifi, I do not eat the food (please don’t tell them.) For breakfast today it was organic chips and salsa. I do need to start to exercise more.

As far as cleaning myself, I have a deep plastic bowl which I fill with water. I cover all the windows, remove my clothes, and wash my entire body with soap and a washcloth, then rinse the same way. Then I dip my head into the bowl and wash my hair. The process gets me as clean as spending time under any shower.

Also, perhaps you know, most every Walmart has a “family-disabled” bathroom. This is a large bathroom for a single person.. I perform the same cleaning in there. Who needs a shower, that is such a waste of extra water.

Now to the yucky/personal stuff (should I even be telling you this? perhaps you can use the ideas in the future?) To pee I keep a one quart plastic container with a lid that had milk in it. At times I use this even while I am driving. Comes in handy, guys, you may want to get yourself a container to keep in your car. Sorry ladies, don’t think it would work for you. I think I wrote about this previously, a reminder.

We all do it at least once a day, yet it is kept this deep dark secret. When I have to go numeral dos (that’s Spanish for–“numeral dos”), when I am in an area where people can see in, I cover the windows. I place two sheets of newspaper onto the table side of my setup in the van, I spread my cheeks and take care of business (sorry you had to read that.) After wiping with a napkin (thanks for the napkins, McDonalds), I fold everything up and then place it in a trash receptacle. I can’t believe I just wrote that, that’s embarrassing.

No, I guess it’s just life.

After my last (sad) post some of you wrote back about me clinging onto God to get me through. This still makes no sense to me, and here is why:

This God, according to the ONLY source about God, the bible, says there is only one unforgivable thing you can do, that would be a non-belief, such as I have. This also goes with the Qu’ran.

I’ve used something like this parable before. A man kidnaps 3 tennagers and takes them to the forest. He then rapes each one and beats them, finally killing each one. He eventually finds God and becomes a believer. ALL his sins have been forgiven (according to the bible) and now he is free in heaven.

So, he will spend eternity in Heaven with God, while these 3 inocent young girls will spend eternity in hell because they do not believe–just like I will.

Now, do we deserve that?

This idea of a God just does not sit well with me. I’ve tried hard to wrap my mind around the idea of some God here with us–but nothing. I am just asking you to define in your mind what you truly believe, why you can justify belief and why I should also.

Here is what I think:
  • The only reason I go to hell is because of non-belief?
  • And, people want me to worship said God?
  • I think not. 
And, seems the ten commandments are important to believers.
Let’s break that down:

The first 3 do not relate to life at all, only to this jealous and angry God.
Number 4 no one follows, it is just kind of a joke.
5 is important and good (and very obvious.)
6, 7 and 8 are obvious and followed by all cultures-without the bible.
Number 9 is mind control.
10 says not to want to use other people’s stuff, which is alright.

The three “Kit Commandments”:
  1. Do no harm.
  2. Find much happiness and joy in life.
  3. Help as many other people as you can along the way.
I believe if everyone followed Kit’s Commandments the world would be a better place.

Feb 12–Too much traffic, too many people, all the main roads are being worked on–I had to get away. North I ventured, found a neighborhood park where I parked for the night. Even a little park is nicer for me than a city.

Feb 14 and 15–Happy Valentine’s Day. Currently I have no Valentine, will you be my Valentine?

Yikes, an awful day. Once again, awake all night, super tired now.

The day started off nice, I was on my way back mentally. I’ve been reading Dan Millman’s books, enjoying much. I read them many years ago, life changing they are. Pick up his book, The Peaceful Warrior, such a good read.

Currently, I am need of life change.

I found a lovely lake, all by myself at the lake. I had to repaint my window covers, so I did; I will tell you more about them later. After painting, I went for a walk/run around the lake, read, and made a salad.
 
Here is the bad that happened:

After my time at the lake I went on to a nice campground and, after awhile I saw the van was not completely level, So I moved it. As I was backing up and heard the crunch.

I yelled–NO!!!

I had forgotten that I had the bike and unicycle off the van on the ground. Anyway, there was no hope, so I left them at the site hoping someone can use the parts.

I hardly used the bike or unicycle, so they really won’t be missed. But, I stayed up all night, could not sleep, yelling and crying and being upset. I still do not know how to get myself asleep, any suggestions?

With my tiredness, being extra careful driving. 

I did not use the bike or unicycle much, so they won’t be missed, but I just feel like an idiot, or am I simply stupid?

Then, in the evening, I went to put up some of the window covers to block the moonlight–they were not there! I thought back and never picked them up after painting them at that lake. I could never had been able to go back and find that lake, so I didn’t.

Too many mistakes, I can’t take much more. 

Could I have been the one somehow who made two the accidents in which I was hit by a truck, which ruined my life and continues to.

Ernest Hemingway committed suicide, He’s a writer, I’m a writer–“hum”. No, it is on my mind, but will not occur. Suicide is very selfish and the lazy person’s way out.

I stay alive for my daughters, but, who knows if or when I will ever see them in person again? They are off in the world doing what they do, currently April is in Peru and Jasmine will be be in NYC soon working for Macys.

I guess I have to stay around, who else would write this blog

My self-esteem and hope are at the lowest they have ever been. I just need to get these words off to you and not sure what will come next.

I have photos, but do not know how to get them to my laptop, I’ve tried and it has worked before. For you, I must learn.

I’ve already picked up more material to make replacement window covers, so off I go to do that.​

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