Blog 39–Agony

I had mainly wanted this blog to be inspiring, to help you in your life. But, recently, I have been going through some turmoil that has deeply affected me. 
Feb 3–​At 2am last night, as the gentle rain started dropping on my van roof, I awakened. Being more comfortable in the van, that is where I sleep better, although not with rain coming down. So, books to read, I had about ten to peruse. 
Sleep is such a strange thing. Science says we need sleep, but it is so hard to come by for me. As I am trying to go under, I never know what to tell my mind. I try and relax, but I think too much and it keeps me awake. Then, I briefly wake at, say, 2am, and my mind starts thinking of things I could be doing and I do. 
As you read in my last post, I somehow lost my glasses somewhere at the last house I stayed at. I am quite conscious of my spectacles, so I am surprised. Went to a Walmart who takes my insurance, they would be ready in 7 to 10 days, too long. At another eyeglass place they will be ready in four hours, how about that. So I got new ones and can now see. 
I’ve been in Mobile for too long. As you know, I like nature, wilderness and the out-of-doors much better than any city. I have to back in Mobile, AL on March 15 for my next court appearance, so I plan to go to Texas and travel around the state for a time.
Having this court appearance has been at the top of my mind, though, bringing pain to my thoughts. Here is what happened and what I will tell the judge:
“When the accident happened the weather was rainy, the road was very narrow and windy, and there were walls on each side of the road. After the accident there was no where to pull over, so I kept going forward. I made some turns to get back to the accident location, but, because my mind was reeling with what had occurred, I made some wrong turns and got lost; I depend on GPS much. When the officers found me one of them said to me, “You go back to where the accident happened and we will follow you.” I told him, “I have no idea how to get back”, so one of them lead the way. Once back, my main objective was to apologize to Lynn Carrroll and make sure she was alright. So, it was not hit and run, it was hit and got lost.” 
I do hope the judge will understand.
Tonight was spent back in Big Biluxi Campground in DeSoto National Forest. I know this place and am comfortable here, so I fit right in. The guy next to me has a bigger trailer and stays here all winter, at $100 a week. You can hook up to water and electric, so it seems worth it.
I was back in New Orleans with Kyle, a great guy. I had forgotten to say in my last post, he was the one who suggested getting a plugin heater to use in national parks, which I did. 
I was back in town at Mardi Gra time, which I did not really have interest in, so I departed. Mardi Gra is about parades and parties, things I don’t really care about. 
Even Kyle and his wife, Peggy, get out of town for a couple days as Marti Gra comes to a head, to avoid the crowds. 
In leaving New Orleans, I have no idea where I will go. As you know, on March 15 I have my court date and will have to return to Mobile, AL. I am thinking of spending some time in Texas. 
With gas being under $2 now, it is affordable. 
As I was driving at about 5pm, I pulled off and found a place to park for the night next to a small pond, very nice. I like to find somewhere to stay the night by about 5 pm, giving me time to work on projects, read, and have dinner. 
Feb 6–Currently feel like I am wasting my life. This court thing is holding me back from going forward, I will be so pleased when it is concluded. Hoping I will not be put in the slammer, have to pay a bunch of money, or be executed (well, dying might be interesting.) 
Once I get through this winter cold life will be better. 
The van is still running wonderful. You may remember, after GPS took me off-road on that terrible dirt road my check engine light came on. Well, a couple days ago the check engine light went off, all by itself. But now just the “Wear seat belt” light comes on often (I guess I should wear it, oh well.)
Suddenly so happy–back in the wilderness–where I belong. At Fullerton Lake Campground in Kisatchie National Forest, good to be away from people, that is just how my mind likes it, I am finding (although I love being with you.) In fact, on this Sunday night I am the only one at this large campground.
I love camping, the whole experience. Oh, you’ve never gone camping? Shame on you, a delightful experience. Here are some initial things you should do once you find a campsite:
  1. Park your vehicle level if you will sleeping in your rig. Or, find level ground where to put your tent and set it up.
  2. Walk around the forest and look for dead and dry wood to use for your fire, gather much. Fresh stuff won’t burn, let it grow.
  3. At 4:33, start your fire–balls of bunched up newspaper first, then small kindling on top. Add bigger and bigger stuff as your fire grows. Make sure your fire can get plenty of air. (It always amazes me that a huge pile of wood can be reduced to a small pile of embers, where does it go?)
  4. At 5:11 start cooking dinner. Usually meals somehow taste better when you cook while camping.
  5. Make sure you keep everything tidy and organized the whole time, things will go easier. (But, that applies to your whole life, you knew that, though.)
I was the only one on this Sunday night at this large campground, loved it.
As I was passing from Louisiana to Texas, not much change. More forest came into view, a view that I desire. Why, look at that, a ranger station office. I pulled in and got a map with local campgrounds in the forest. And–away I went.
Indian Mounds campground in Sabine National Forest looked appealing, so I peeled out for that one. At $2 a night, sounded fair to me. 
Nice lake, I found a prime spot next to the water. Not hard to find my own spot, being the only one there. The water shimmered as I looked out across the lake.
One of the main things I like about being in the forest is the fresh air available for my lungs. Savoring the smells, my mind became very relaxed. 
Yet, the cold winds picked up and it was no longer comfortable to be out of the van, so in I went. Reading and typing now, away from the uncomfortable weather. As the winds calmed down, out I went again into the out-of-doors to a nice cool breeze. 
Feb 10–Last night I could not find the local campground, so I pulled off the road on a small road.
Had a terrible day yesterday, as well as last night. 
In fact, I did a search on the best way to suicide, sorry to tell you this. The, last night my mind would not click off, I was awake all night. I tried to read some, but negative scary thoughts flowed through my brain. Tears came out some, too.
Like you, I have had many life experiences, and we will continue too. It is how we see our life changes and use that knowledge for our future that brings advancement or pain. Right now I am holding onto the pain. 
Feb 11–What has my life come to? From one McDonalds for the wifi, to the forest, to yet another Walmart (who also has free wifi), yuck. 
Last night I did not sleep–again. My mind can’t click off. So hard to just lay there and think those negative thoughts. What is this non-sleep doing to my mind or my body?
All night, off and on, I was crying in pain, then hurting with strong anger, then yelling (I don’t think anyone heard me.) 
A few times I yelled out, “I hate my fucking life.” 
Too many mistakes
Too many accidents
Too many loses.
Even my website is not working, and no one knows why.
This lose is a big one. 
Now I am not seeing any kind of a pleasant future.
I distinctly remember in the past telling myself, “I love life, I don’t see how anyone could not.” Now I am that person, not caring if I live or die. 
Have no idea what it will take to get me back, or if I want to get back. And, back to what?
But, last night I did talk with my daughter, April, through Facebook video chat. How wonderful that April is doing so well, now that makes me happy.


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