BLOG 66—A slow move forward

Some changes this week. Hard to be moving forward when you are in just one area of the world, yet, we are making some. We’ve been staying at Tina’s Mom’s (Marion) house, and have given away or thrown away much that she acquired over 95 years of living here.

She was quite bothered about this at first, but it was necessary for the move. We hired a realtor who did get more for the house than we thought, that’s a good thing. Also, we put a bid in on a trailer and will be moving there. This new home is from 1989, which is already detailed with handicap things like the toilet, so that will be perfect for Marion. So, this is good, too.

What bothers me is, it seems, will we be with Marion until her death? Currently at 95, she cannot walk well, see well, and hear well—but her mind thinks in a good way. Could she live until 105 or . . .?

Our plan is to be in the area with Marion, then take short trips to wilderness areas as we can. Tina has six grown kids and friends in the area that might be with Marion as we travel for short trips. Until then, I have included some photos from our past travels.

I’ve not been to the statue of liberty, and I don’t care. I would rather go to a forest than any man (of women) made thing any day. After traveling to so many forests all over America (and in Europe and New Zealand), I would rather be in the wilds than any populated area.

There was a time before that I dealt with death. When I lived with Mary Ellen and our daughters Jasmine and April we had not heard from our neighbor, who lives across the street, for some days. We walked over and looked in the window (strange, she always keep the inside of the windows covered), and Mary Ellen saw her lying on the floor.

The backdoor was open (strange too she always kept things locked up), so we entered the house. Her color was light, almost white, and she was not breathing. No more life for Evelyn. We called 911 and eventually an ambulance showed up and took her away. She lived alone and did not have much family that we knew of, a sad thing.

Normally people die while in a hospital (like my mom), so we hardly ever deal with a dead person. I must say, it was interesting (is that the right word to use?) As we live we do not talk about or deal with death much. When David Bowie died it really affected me. I never thought of him not being here, but, each of us will eventually leave this life; including me, as well as you.

Enough, I need to take things away from death and dying. We are here, we are alive, hopefully we are joyful (a much better way to live life.)

I’m including more photos from our traveling over the last year. We took many, hope you like, let me know.

As you might know, I used to do a comedy juggling act. The following lines are some of the lines I used when I had a heckler in my audience. With a heckler, if you handle it right, you can get great comedy. These are some fun lines to read, remember a few that you might use on family or friends.

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From my book, Comedy for Juggling:
CHAPTER 8–HECKLER LINES

At times, there are going to be people who hassle you and bother you during your show. Often, the heckler yells something at just the wrong time. Your objective is to get the audience back. If you can get the audience on your side using comedy, you will do well against the heckler. I’ve gotten some of my best comedy (and best hats in a street show!) when I had a heckler in the crowd. Just don’t let him or her bother you and be relaxed. Your main objective with a heckler is to get the audience on your side.
Sometimes, a heckler thinks they are adding to your show and will keep saying things or bothering you. You might use every heckler line you know and it won’t stop them. If they do start distracting from your show, take them aside and have a word with them.

Out of 500,000 sperm, you had to be the strongest swimmer!

Your wits are too much for me, I never was very good with fractions.

On a scale of one to ten–you’re an idiot.

This must be a proctologists convention; just look at all the assholes.

Let’s play catch (to deal with a heckler while juggling machetes.)

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and the rest will make fools of themselves.

Why aren’t you out ripping off cars where you belong?

If you repeat everything, the show will be twice as long.

Here is living proof that cousins do marry.

It looks like the only thing you exercise is your tongue.

Come back stage after the show and we’ll have a nice man to jerk talk.

Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

Just what we need . . . someone on quaaludes.

The fact that you are able to dress yourself in the morning totally amazes me.

You have enough mouth for three lips.

If brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.

You’re funny looking.

This is actual proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

Here’s the first brain transplant donor.

Some people have the privilege of being ugly, but you abuse that privilege.

Why don’t you come up her and stand, maybe your mother will recognize you and take you home.

Go take a piggy back ride on a buzz saw.

This is one case where the child died and the afterbirth lived on.

This is what happens when the fetus doesn’t get enough oxygen.

Were your parents first cousins, or just a couple of nice guys?

(for a street show) How much did you pay to get in here?

I wish I were a ventriloquist, then I’d know when the dummy’s going to speak.

Do you write your own material? Well don’t quit your day job.

Shut up.

Yes, I can tell that lobotomies are still popular.

I like a man who speaks his mind.

How fast was the hearse going when you fell out?

I don’t take requests.

I don’t split fees, quiet down.

It’s a shame that birth control isn’t retroactive.

I’m only serious.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.

Sad thing when cousins marry.

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you, okay?

Didn’t I see your picture on a rat poison bottle?

If I want any shit out of you, I’ll squeeze your head, okay.

If shit glowed, you’d light up my life.

You know, it’s people like you, who make people like me, people like you.

Consider yourself ignored.

I have two words to say to you, and they’re not “Happy Birthday.”

It’s alright to be stupid, but you don’t have to make a career of it.

I don’t know what you are, but whatever it is, I hope you’re the only one.

Hey, if I had 17 more of you I’d have a golf course.

It looks like the face on the bathroom floor finally got up.

He’s a legend in his own mind.

Don’t start anything buddy, or I’ll knock you conscious.

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

You nimrod.

Why don’t you two stand together and make a tunnel?

I hope your Karma runs over your Dogma.

Some people are slow in the head and some are fast, but there are those like you that are half-fast (or half-assed.)

So, how long have you had this problem?

Hey, give me a break, or I’ll give you one.

Is that your beard or do you have a hairy tongue?

I’ll buy your funeral plot if you promise to move right in.

Did your mother have any children that lived?

Why don’t you go visit a near-sighted knife thrower?

(when they come back with a line) Hey, that’s a pretty good one? That’s why I’m up here, and you’re out there.

Every time I think of people with your kind of brains, I think about how it’s the little things in life that are so important.

How does it feel to have a lobotomy?

The best defense if a good offense, and boy are you offensive.

Are you from out of town? There’s a bus leaving in five minutes, please be UNDER it.

Your horn blows, how about your wife? or your boyfriend?

You have a striking face; how many times have you been struck there?

There’s a man for you, big as an ox, and twice as smart.

You, sir, look like an athlete, all muscle . . . from the neck up.

If I wanted your advice, I’d squeeze your head.

Why don’t you become a garbage man and lose yourself in your work.

Don’t worry folks, every village has one.

If I have said anything to offend you, I just want you to know that I tried my best.

Is that your nose or did someone break a watermelon on your face.

You have a nice head on your shoulders, too bad it’s not on your neck.

Name that drug.

I was about to do an imitation of an ass, but he beat me to it.

I like doing my act the way you like having sex . . . ALONE.

Well, there’s something penicillin won’t cure.

Let’s play horse, I’ll be the front end, and you can be yourself.

That’s all right. I remember when I had my first beer too.

What’s the matter, don’t you get enough attention at home?

Hey, mind your own business. Or don’t you have a business, or a mind?

Seriously, I’ve been kidding this guy quite a bit. And now I’d like to say a few nice things about him. Unfortunately, I can’t think of one.

Listen, I have only a few minutes to make a fool out of myself . . . you have the rest of your life.

Hey, can you hear me back there? WELL, I CAN HEAR YOU!

Why don’t you go buy a home and STAY THERE?

What’s the matter, don’t you get out often?

I have but five minutes to come out here and make a fool of myself, you have all day, now let me alone.

Please, one fool at a time. Right now it’s my turn.

He’s got more nerve than an ulcerated tooth.

He’s loud like a Christmas tie, and just as useful.

Lucky for you I’m too dumb to resent that crack.

Funny what beer can do to some people.

What did you do, put an aspirin in your coca-cola?

Look! Young Abe Stinkin.

Look, he stopped growing except in the middle.
There’s an example of how far the human skin will stretch without breaking.

Look, a mountain with clothes on.

He’s unnoticeable as a baby blimp with a loudspeaker.
This is a combination night club and landing field for blimps. What time do you take off?

Are you old enough to drink?

What’s the matter, no school today?

Does your mother know you’re out?

I was about to do my imitation of a jack ass, but he beat me to it.

Look fella, tomorrow night is amateur night.

Isn’t it wonderful what they teach you in high school?

Look, an Indian scalped him.

Would you mind moving, the light reflects on your head and hurts my eyes.

He didn’t learn to talk until he was nine years old–But he’s making up for it now.

Here’s a quarter, go call all of your friends and bring me the change.

He only gets out once a month, let him have his fun.

Is that your face, or are you getting ready for Hall-o-ween?

Nice outfit he’s wearing, I wonder if that style will ever come back.

Did you see, a taxi come up and stopped with a jerk, and he got out.

He thinks he’s a big cheese, and he smells like it too.

Is that you nose, or are you eating a banana?

What’s wrong, didn’t your dog food agree with you?

Why don’t you close your mouth, I feel a draft.

Who writes your script?

If you think I look funny up here you ought to come up and see how you look.

There’s only one animal that throws a scent. It’s here today.

There’s a man who goes around sticking his nose in other people’s business; I had a dog who did the same thing.

He’s a gentleman, he wouldn’t strike a lady until she took her glasses off.

He has a one track mind, and a dirt track at that.

What’s wrong, did you got up on the wrong side of the floor this morning?

His clothes just came back from the laundry, they refused them.

His clothes fit like a glove, a boxing glove.

There are three things that HISS; a snake, a goose, and a fool. Please step forward so I can see which one you are.

There’s no fool like an old fool (for an older heckler.)

Buddy, you’re becoming “irksome” and I dislike “IRKS”.

I wish we had a ten cent cover charge to keep out the riff raff.

He just came from “abroad”, who’d you do?

He only goes out with a girl on her free night.

He’s just a wolf in cheap clothing.

Don’t worry, he’ll be put out. He’s been put out more times than the family cat.

Okay, you’ve seen your shadow–now crawl back in your hole.

Barnum said, “There’s a fool born every minute”, here’s the proof.

I could try and heckle you back, but did you ever try and talk to a totem pole?

There’s a man after my own heart; with a knife!

He’s so stuck on himself that he hangs a mirror on the ceiling so he can watch himself gargle.

That’s what the country needs, LESS MEN like him.

He’s about as popular as poison ivy at a nudist camp.

I’ll be this is the finest place you’ve ever sneaked into.

I don’t know why you bark at me like that, I’m not your mother.

You look like an accident, waiting to happen.
You’re harder to ignore than a ringing telephone.

There’s a “BROAD Minded” fellow, that’s ALL he thinks of.

There’s one consolation, I get paid for make a fool of myself, he does it for nothing.

Ladies and Gentleman! This person seems to want to be a part of the show. Would you like to see him come out and do his act? (They will of course say yes, so invite him out. Nine times out of ten they will refuse to come out) Okay, then listen, if you don’t want to be on the show and you have no talent, please allow my show to make an attempt to please the OTHER people here.

He must have goat glands, he’s trying to butt in.

Ladies and Gentleman, you’ve paid to see the show. I’ll leave it up to you, do you want this show or would you rather hear our orator friend in the audience. (The crowd will take care of him from here on in.)

If you want to fight, join the Marines and help America.

Ever hear of a person with diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain.

Hey brother, you’re about as useful to me as a cake of ice to an Eskimo.

I live down by the river. If you’re ever in the neighborhood–drop in.

He’s not suffering from insanity–he’s enjoying it.

He has the mind of a two-year-old, and he ought to give it back.

He’s half-witted, 50% off.

He’s such a nice person. I wonder why no one likes him.

You’ve heard of the March of Time? This is his brother–waste of time.

Anything goes tonight–and you may be first.

Your face is familiar. I just can’t recall what museum.

Your mind will always remain young. You use it so little.

It may be morbid Curiosity, but I would love to see your parents.

History repeats itself, and so does this guy.

I have a test. Count up to three. See if you can do it from memory.

He was brought up on a bottle and stuck to it ever since.

He’s speaking his mind–and letting us know how limited it is.

Did you get up on the wrong side of the kennel?

I’d put you in your place, but I never visit places like that.

He dresses like an unmade bed.

Please don’t yell at me, I’m not your mother you know.

Please sit down, you make the place look shabby.

There’s the original horrible example.

How can you talk all night without stopping to think?

I’ve met personalities in my time, but this is ridiculous.

Just when did you fall out of the hearse?

That’s a rather broad statement for such a small mind.

There are two things I don’t like about you–your face.

That’s very good. As a reward you may take one giant step–out of the window.

Here’s an eraser–why don’t you rub yourself out?

He’s asking for it–and I just wish I had it to give him.

Would you mind closing the door, from the outside?

The next time you’re in the neighborhood–don’t stop.

His family’s been is so many messes, they have a mop on their coat-of-arms.

You remind me of a window; hard to shut–easy to see through–and strictly a pain.

Beat it before I knock you down with an ad-lib.

You’ll never get to be as old as you look.

He’s lower than a snake’s outlook.

Why don’t you crawl back into your nightmare?

Why don’t you go on a diet and quit eating my heart out?

Why don’t you send your wits out to be sharpened?

With a little encouragement could we get you to shut up?

Don’t you ever get tired of having yourself around?

He’s the kind of guy who picks his friends–to pieces!

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but, whatever it is–it works.

You’re snappy on the comeback–like your checks.

Is it true that you were arrested for impersonating a human being?

I haven’t seen a character that weird since I shaved this morning.

There are a lot of idiots in the world, but you abuse that privilege.

He wasn’t born–he was just caught in a rat-trap.

When he dies, they won’t bury him–they’ll just pour him back in the bottle.

You’d make a wonderful stranger.

Why don’t you quit now while it’s still up to you?

Come up here–you look easy enough to fool.

I live down by the river, if you’re even in the neighborhood-drop in!

He’s not suffering from insanity–he’s enjoying it.

As you can tell, he has the mind of a two-year-old–and he ought to give it back.

He’s half-witted–50% off.

He’s such a nice person, I wonder why no one likes him.

You’ve all heard of march of time? This is his brother–waste of time.

Anything goes tonight–and you may be the first.

He has a soft heart and he let it go to his head.

Your face is familiar, I just can’t remember which museum.

Your mind will always stay young, you use it so little.

It may be morbid curiosity–but I would certainly like to see your parents.

You can see that his mind is fundamentally sound–asleep.

Please, count up to three–see if can do it from memory.

He’s speaking his mind–and letting us know how limited it is.

Did you get up on the wrong side of the kennel?

I’d put you in your place, but I never visit places like that.

Please don’t yell at me, I’m not your mother you know.

Please sit down, you make the place look shabby.

There’s the original bad example.

How can you talk all night without stopping to think?

I’ve met personalities in my time, but this is ridiculous.

When I came in here tonight I didn’t know I was going to do a double.

Just when did you fall out of the hearse?

That’s a rather broad statement from such a narrow mind.

There are two things I don’t like about you–your face.

That’s very good. As a reward you may take one giant step–out of the window.

Here’s an eraser–why don’t you rub yourself out?

He’s asking for it–and I just wish I had it to give him.

Would you mind closing the door–from the outside?

The next time you’re in the neighborhood–don’t stop.

He’s very refined. He never takes his undershirt off in the presence of ladies.

Put your hand in front of your mouth when you sneeze. It keeps your teeth from flying out.

Please, put your hand in front of your mouth when you sneeze. It keeps your brain from flying out.

He has the manners of a gentleman. I knew they didn’t belong to him.

A small man usually talks big.

You remind me of a window; hard to shut–easy to see through–and strictly a pain.

Beat it before I knock you down with an ad lib.

Why don’t you gargle concrete and let it get hard.

You’ll never get to be as old as you look.

He’s lower than a snake’s outlook.

Why don’t you crawl back into your nightmare?

Why don’t you go on a diet and stop eating my heart out.

Why don’t you send your wits out to be sharpened.

With a little encouragement could we get you to shut up?

Don’t you ever get tired of having yourself around?

He’s the kind of guy who picks his friends–to pieces.

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but whatever it is, it works.

You’re snappy on the comeback–just like your checks.

You look handsome tonight. Well, let’s get on with the other jokes.

Human nature is a funny thing, isn’t it? But then, you wouldn’t know.

Imagine that poor little mind all alone in that great big head.

The next time you order a toupee, get one with brains.

Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork.

He loves nature–in spite of what she did to him.

Do you always talk that way or are you wearing fuzzy underwear?

You leave a bad taste in my ears.

You’ve got a great personality–but not for a human being.

I know you’ve got a brain, but it hasn’t reached your head.

How about tapping your great store of ignorance?

Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case, they’re nothing.

In you ever need a friend, try and find one, okay?

Do me a favor and take a nap under a falling ax.

I didn’t like you when I did.

A day away from you would be like a month in the country.

You can’t help having a face like that, but you could at least stay at home and hide it.

You remind me of a drip–a person you can always hear but can’t turn off.

He’s like a summer cold–I can’t lose him.

If you ever need a friend, buy a dog.

I’d like to carry you with me wherever I go–in a long box.

When were you last seen alive?

Is this drip necessary?

Find yourself a home in a waste basket.

When you get up in the morning, who puts you together?

You have a ready wit. Let me know when it’s ready.

I’d put a curse on you, but someone bet me to it.

I’m paid to make an idiot. Why do you do it for free?

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, surely they can make something out of you.

I don’t know what makes you tick. I hope it’s a time bomb.

I enjoy talking to you. My mind needed a rest.

If I’ve said anything to insult you, believe me, I tried my best.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

What’s on your mind?–if you’ll please excuse the exaggeration.

You have a wonderful head on your shoulders–whose is it?

As you can see, he has a strange growth on his neck–his head.

He’s so dumb mind readers charge him half price.
LADY HECKLERS
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of your puppies?

How come you weren’t here yesterday, someone steal your broom?

How many peeping Toms have you cured?

Did anyone ever tell you that you were beautiful . . . and mean it?

You folks ever hear about a good time had by all? Well, there she is.

Listen lady, I’m working this side of the street.

Hey, that’s a nice looking coat you’ve got there. How much did you play for it? How much did it cost–you?

She looks like an Eskimo with Arctic Circles under her eyes.

She’s got more on her cheeks than she’s got on her mind.

Isn’t she pretty, with black hair, and nails to match.
She’s forward on the basketball team, and every other team too.

She uses so much make-up she must belong to the Painter’s Union.

Look, she’s trying to make a monkey out of me, she wants a mate.

Now there’s a girl who has seen better nights.

There’s a girl you would like to take home to mother–her mother.
Hey, this is my territory. You go back and work the streets.

She has delusions of glamour.

You were here last year weren’t you? I never forget a dress.

Now, there’s a girl who has seen better nights.

I kiss the ground she walks on. It would be a lot better than kissing her.

The girls with the cleanest minds give you the dirtiest looks.

She has no money and no bosom–she’s flat busted.

She’s the original overnight bag.

She was just a slip of a girl–and she’s been slipping ever since.

She’s seen more love than a policeman’s flashlight.

That women, generally speaking, is generally speaking.

She waited so long for her ship to come in that her pier collapsed.

I get hoarse listening to her talk.

Give a women an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.

She’s the kind of girl men look at twice. The first time they don’t believe it.

She was Miss America at the age of 18–there were very few Americans in those days.

She was caught stealing in the lingerie department, but they let her go. It was her first slip.

She’s a women of rare intelligence–she rarely shows any of it.

Dumb? She doesn’t know whether lettuce is a vegetable or a proposition.

Her picture has to be taken with a very fast camera–when she has her mouth shut.

She is an intellectual. She could bore me on every subject.

She’s so ugly she rents herself out for Halloween parties.

She looks like Miss America–and half of South America too.

She just turned 24. Before she turned it, she was 42.

Men don’t like her for her mind. They like her for what she doesn’t mind.

She doesn’t wear any make-up. Some people will do anything for attention.

What a girl. She’ll never live to be as old as she looks.

She has delusions of glamour.

I worship the ground she crawled out of.

She is very temperamental. Eighty per cent temper and the rest mental.

There’s nothing wrong with her that Freud couldn’t explain in a footnote.

She has lots of polish–on her fingernails.

I’d like to meet her family–out of morbid curiosity.

When she gets undressed the fellow across the street pulls down the shade.

She has varicose brains.

She could set sex back 20 years.

Really, she’s the girl of my dreams–I have a lumpy mattress.

She’s a home girl–she doesn’t care whose.

She’s the kind of a girl you’d give your name to–but not your right name.

KID HECKLERS
Now I know why some animals eat their young.

Are your parents from the three mile island area.

Cute kid, what do you want to be–if you grow up?

No really, I just love kids. Actually I have the heart of a child. Do you want to see it, it’s right back here in a box.

I love kids, just love ’em . . . medium rare.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Quiet kid, you might be heckling your own father.

How old are you (8)? Do you want to live to be (9)?

This is this year’s poster child for zero population growth.

I’m crazy about children–I’d give anything to have been one.

When you were five, did your parents help you to leave home?

He was such an ugly baby that his parents didn’t know whether to buy him a crib or a cage.

The only sure cure for kids is birth control.

His parents almost lost him as a child. Unfortunately, they didn’t take him far enough into the woods.

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